Past

 "Past is past. It isn't even past."

—William Faulkner

    To tell you honestly, I cannot find the words to start this blog. Although my mind revolves in it, past finds it hard to provide me any words to describe what I feel at this moment. I know it has been hard for me to flee the past, especially since I can't restrain my hands from holding those times that I had been very delusional about things.

    Even the poetry, which has become my fortress when sadness seals everything in me, no longer knows how to emancipate me from this. I tried so many times, but words insinuate uselessness whenever I try to move the pen on the paper. I am not a person who is always attacked by sorrow and pain, but I am still a person vulnerable to assaults of life lapses. To describe what I feel right now is a very arduous task to complete. I am not a genius to elucidate anything even my own feelings. All I know is that I am almost cleaved and greatly burdened.

    This is it. I must confess I'd been so foolish, not literally, that I did soaking a poem in the water. This foolishness happened to last more than a year, and completely took its toll on me. Without care about the truth of pain and regret, I'd chosen to be blind and deaf. In the very first bloom of this insanity, I had since known that I would gain nothing from it. Time had passed and I had continued to live a hopeless dream. There were thoughts of turning from the said craziness, but they failed to cajole me to leave it. Indeed, there were pain and regret; yet again, there is pleasure as well. Guilty pleasure.

    I will not blame you if you'd like to call me dense, crazy, or the synonyms. I will not be angry if you'd like to call me any adjectives because I know how to describe myself. I know my weakness will invite your critic side to release words that are addressed to me. It's okay.

    To resume the interrupted story of mine, I had harbored this secret and lived a life full of clandestinity. It hadn't been that easy, but I'd made it so far. I confided my secret to no one because I am afraid to show anybody my weakness. Expect now that I will tell you that I didn't stop letting my severe foolishness take over my life. Yes, it's true. I was hurt many times, but they didn't seem to be lessons for me.

    In spite of the hurts, I still remained the same. I'd concede that I found happiness in it. There were moments when my attention-hunger was satiated. Nonetheless, sadness always intervened, and it succeeded.

    And now it is the last time I'm going to say "tama na!" I'd been foolish once, so I'm now on my way to changing myself. What else can I do but decide. Decide. Decide. Decide. Decide to bury the memories, sweet or bitter. Decide to forget the one. Decide to move on. Decide for the better. 

    Here comes the time when the decisions I have to make are the ones that are painful and unwanted, but I have to believe, with full faith and expectancy, that everything for me will somehow be okay at the end of the day. It won't matter how many rivers and ravines to cross because I know it's the most effective way.

   Looking back isn't always a way to reach the destination I have to go. It's the same as the fact that remembering the past isn't a safe road to emotional recovery. Hopefully, I have to forget the results of the folly of my emotional unpreparedness.

   As I walk with determined mind, I will not swerve nor pause. Even if tears are a part of it, I will someday completely have extricated myself from this. I will always keep my feelings on guard. Through this, I will be able to refute Mr. Faulkner...

It Was The Wet Paper

   Have you ever done a very strange thing to escape torment and pain? That you have tried to get a paper soaked in a puddle in the road and think that to do it could ease the pain you felt? If you haven't, then it is a proven fact now that I didn't fail to make history. I was the first person to do this out of the ordinary thing.
   I still have this crystal clear reminiscence of that day, and no single detail is able to escape my remembering power. I was a senior in high school that time. It was a mildly rainy day and the road in Bulacan—a place in Pililla where one of my classmates has a house—was wet. I felt nauseous and feeble because of the atmosphere, not of the place but of my own world. We just came from our school after the awarding program of our recently culminated event, Linggo ng Wika.
   Heading back to the time of the awarding program, we were all ears, only to hear the name of our not-so-surprised-because-they-already-expected-they-won section. IV-Pilot! That was an ample reason for us to raise our hands and voices in exultation. We got up the stage and immediately grasped the token of our success, a big trophy. I have to admit that I was so happy at that time, but it happened that I remembered the preceding day when I burst in tears because of a shocking and painful scenario. The happiness gradually diminished.
   After the program, a scenario, an even more painful one, similar to the first one, transpired, making the hurt two days in a row. The happiness completely diminished.
   With my infallible memory, I remember up to now that my classmates were joyous because our section had the right to bring home the most precious and coveted trophy of the said event. Yes, they were all happy, reveling at our victory in vanquishing our opponents, who were our schoolmates. I could really see the relative happiness they derived from winning. Nonetheless, while my classmates were ready to exhaust the remainder of their day in celebrating, I found myself the day's sole misfit. I was the only one who was sad.
   With a notebook and a pen I had with me, I wrote a poem about the hurt that was caused by the two scenarios that almost wrecked my whole being. The pen smoothly performed the finishing of the sorrowful poem on the paper. It really hurt. The tears just couldn't be totally restrained, but I succeeded in hiding them from view by dabbing my wet face with a damp handkerchief. Afterward, I chose to wander, with the poem on a sheet of paper from the notebook, around the remaining area of Bulacan and ran. I wanted to be a temporary recluse to give way to my deep thinking and soliloquy, which I do whenever I am lonely. I thought I had an utter solitude, but I saw two of my classmates following me. I tried to evade them as much as I could, but they persisted on following me. In order to hide the paper, I paused for several seconds and soaked the paper in a puddle alongside my feet. I watched the paper as the water ate it, permeated every part of it, and obscured every word and letter inscribed on it. The sight of the paper went vague. Then the paper submerged and submerged and submerged and submerged, deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper, until it was almost dissipated by the water. It was gone. The paper was gone.
   It was not too long before my two classmates reached the very spot of the road where I was standing, numbly as if the world had gone away without waiting for me.
   The poem that phrased my emotional agony, just drowned in a dark water, as dark as my vision that very time. The poem that contained the expression of the suffering that oppressed me completely, just easily disappeared. The poem that made me fix all my attention on the sadness that had eaten me since I witnessed the unwanted scenario.
   Even though I knew I didn't have to blame those scenarios for my weakness, I couldn't help but to regard it as the culprit of my mind's and my heart's simultaneous downfalls. Those were the scenarios that made their own perfectly indelible impression on my mind. Those were the scenarios that stealthily devastated my imperiled heart.
   Regaining enough consciousness, I opened myself to knowing I wasn't alone anymore. My two classmates stayed with me and bombarded me questions about the matter with me. Of course, I didn't respond directly and immediately. I tried to gain composure first, and finally opened my mouth to utter the word "wala" though I knew that word would not silence them both.
   I decided to go back to the place where the celebration party took place. On the way, the people involved in those scenarios were approaching. There the pain recurred...
   The day ended and the following days passed by. One day, I knew that the scenarios would not happen again because the people involved in those scenarios were not able to make it anymore.
   The immersing of the poor paper became momentous. The news about that scattered, and I know the accountable people. My two insistent classmates who tagged along behind me! Yes, they were accountable for the spreading of the news! But I chose not to blame them. No secret is forever hidden.
   It was the wet paper that became the symbol of the pain. I still remember it, but I already survived the pain associated with it. However, it still has made a big impression on my memory.
   My dear reader, did you know about it? That I had a paper sunk in the water? If yes, I know you regard it as a silly thing to do. If no, you ought to know not only the poor paper in the water, but also the poem and mystery in it.

Top Things Teenagers Encounter

by Ruel Miralles

 Foreword: I apologetically want to explain why I used the masculine gender in majority of pronouns here. I sincerely do not intend to discriminate or express sexism. I really apologize for being not politically correct, and I hope that you understand. Thank you!
 
Peer Pressure

   Peer pressure happens when one, usually a teenager, is influenced to conform socially to customs of a group of other teenagers by altering his behaviors and attitudes. Most teens experience such a situation as this. They tend to mimic the behaviors and customs demonstrated by some people their age, believing themselves to be better when they conform to socially accepted norms.

   Peer pressure is evident in many circumstances. It brings about so many unexpected changes to one who is assaulted by this problem.

   He finds oneself amazed at others' actions, and thus one attempts to act the way they do. He usually acts irrationally, enough for people around him to notice changes in him.

   This is undoubted to occur to one who marvels at any sorts of teens' activities like vices and fraternities. One starts to engage in alcoholism, smoking, and the like; the influence just becomes strengthened.

   I put emphasis to peer pressure because it takes place so rampantly. Teens publicly show the effects of peer pressure. They normally get into debauchery and struggle to get rid off peer pressure.

Identity Crisis

   Identity Crisis refers to one's failure to form his own suitable self during his adolescence. One faces some struggles of shaping his self-image. He experiences a wide range of inevitable changes when adolescence comes.

   This sort of crisis often results from experiences, performances, expectations, and other associated things. Failure to find himself may wreak havoc to his self-esteem.

   This also occurs when one is flummoxed about his strengths and capabilities. He is apt to be anxious and to have low self-confidence due to inability to unravel the mystery behind himself. Oftentimes one is confused, resulting to overcompensating for the difficulty of comprehending himself, and sometimes deviates from truth about his personality.

   Identity crisis ordinarily causes one to stray from his down-to-earth identity and leaves him with unease.

Sexual Temptations

   For those who are not in the know, sex is one of the most widespread problems that teens encounter. This is normally performed for reproduction by married couples, but it is nowadays recognized by teens as a source of pleasure of the flesh.

   Hitherto, sex is depicted through pornography. The feeling that induces sexual urge to one is lust, and pornography temporarily serves as voyeurs' comfort zone. Discussing the retrospective knowledge, pornography was normally intended for adults only. In present times, sex is widely popular to teenagers.

   Sex becomes habitually pervasively supported by people through voyeurism and fornication, and is eventually translated into action. Therefore, sex is almost known to man as a kind of wicked vice rather than a method of reproduction.

   At young age, teenagers start to possess the knowledge about sexual things, and are being tempted by sex.

   This is one of teens' current problems from which they cannot escape.

Romantic Relationships

   Teens these days involve in romantic relationships without adequate knowledge about how to handle them. Although there is still an ample time to prioritize their aspirations, they risk their emotions for facing this kind of adult endeavor. That is why teens' relationships don't last as long as those of adults. There are still experiences and challenges to precede love, but teens hasten to get entangled into relationships.

   These are not a problem unless they bring unwanted outcomes. Early pregnancy among the young is one of their most prevalent results. Owing to immature love affairs, teens enter building families without regular jobs to suffice their primary needs. Some male teens are not prepared to be fathers of their children.

   One of the results of young romantic passion is negligence of responsibilities. Teens are obliged and accountable to fulfill their dreams and finish their studies. However, love transforms into an obstacle and makes one neglect his accountability.

Immaturity

   Obviously, many a teen fails to meet the threshold of maturity. He cannot overcome the setbacks that hinder him from growing owing to his own inclination to possess his old and childish behavior and habits. He lags when it comes to learning the appropriate manner that corresponds to his own age. Unknowingly, he lacks the awareness of the right place and right time to put an act.

   Not only does he refuse to depart from his childhood customs, but he also has no enough preparedness to face the stage of stress and storms. He is hardly ready to accept his advancing into another form of human being.

   Immaturity also happens when one does remain inactive and lukewarm about things. He hardly entertains the thoughts of aspirations.

Lack of Self-Esteem 

   Some teens do not leave their own shells and prefer to live an excessively ordinary life. They content themselves with their so mundane lifestyles, and they often choose to be quiet and socially idle. One of the most plausible causes to which we can attribute their inability to express themselves is the lack of self-esteem.

   Self-esteem spoils the good characteristics that a teen wants to showcase yet tries to conceal. Some teens do not endeavor to grow socially because they are easily overwhelmed by their own fears that their own abilities are insufficient. Although they have in their own hands the relevant abilities people want to witness, they focus more on embarrassments and inferiority.

  As most of us notice, the number of excelling teenage students in some schools do not reach the half of the entire number of students. Clearly, mediocre teenagers outnumber the excelling students.

  We can probably ascribe the onset of the lack of self-esteem to some circumstances that transpired in their respective pasts. Some teens to whom words of denigration were addressed are started to be afraid to try to express themselves. Some attempted but were overlooked, making them discouraged to try again.

  This is one of the most unbeaten problems faced by teens.

Materialism-against-Poverty Problem

   This is the inspiration of a famous song entitled "Laki sa Layaw" sung by Mike Hanopol. While technology and innovations are continuously growing, teens become dazzled by new objects devised as time passes by. Teens become "gaga over materials" while poverty interferes, ready to have a bout with wants and needs of people.

   Despite the scarce resources that they have, teens cannot get enough of consuming gadgets, luxuries, and stuff, and they begin to whine because they have no more money for their primary needs. There grows in them the material addiction, and it becomes difficult for them to break this kind of shackles.

Godlessness 

   The main reason that teens these times are led astray by worldliness and uncertainty is that they are forgetful that there is a God who watches them through all their lives. It does not become an instinct to them to offer God their trust and faith and spend their prime years in serving God. They let their time be occupied with superficial contacts with the world and self-indulgence.

   They pay more attention to Creation than to the Creator Himself. Even though they are supposed to communicate their gratitude to the great Provider who never forsakes even the sinners, they are apt to overlook His effort to lay to them love and patience.

   Either salvation or worship is a mystery to them. If they only knew how God can facilitate the trials they go through, they would choose to pursue His path He bestows to them. But  it seems that even the name of God rests in oblivion among the present generation.

   To me, this is the worst of bad that teens now face.

Instincts Help

Here are the new arrivals in my mind:
* Top Things that Most Teenagers Find Hard to Get Over
* Elements Which or Who Contribute to My Being
* There Is A Big God

Amateur Writer's Block

Professional writers do undergo through a problem named Writer's block. So do amateur writers like me. If someone can help me unravel this kind of problem I'm in, please recommend topics for me. Thank you.